What did you decide?

When you've thought about Doing It, what did you decide would be your preferred method?

The fact that people even care about this suggests to me that they might not be serious. After all, once you're dead, you're dead, and it doesn't make the slightest difference how you got there.
I thought about this the other day when I was carrying a kitchen knife. I thought, "I could just plunge this into my solar plexus right now and I would die." But I quickly realized there was no way I could get myself to do this, so I'd say I'm not really serious about it.

Then I thought about the Japanese author Yukio Mishima who actually did something like this, and I confess I felt quite a bit of admiration for him. He was recapitulating the ancient practice of "seppuku", which is how honorable people are supposed to kill themselves when faced with dishonor. It escapes me now why Mishima felt that he was dishonored and so resorted to disemboweling himself, but the fact that he used this method to kill himself certainly tells me he had a lot more courage than I do!

The old gun-to-the-head method has the same no-turning-back finality to it, but squeezing a trigger is not in itself a violent act, so it seems to me a tad less deserving of respect than the guy who sticks a knife in his own heart -- or especially belly. I mean, Wow!

A method that occurred to me once would be simply to disappear off the face of the earth by burying myself. Oh, well, maybe they'd dig me up and blow my cover, but, hey, it would give them something interesting to do, right? Here's how it would work:

1. I'd dig a big hole -- you know, a grave. Six feet under, etc.
2. I'd get a tractor with a pusher blade. Buy it, rent it, whatever, wouldn't matter because I'd be dead, remember?
3. I'd experiment with the tractor, running it out of fuel, then putting small amounts of fuel in the tank to see how far it would go on a given amount.
4. Once I'd determined the exact distance the tractor would go on a given amount of fuel, I'd load that amount into the tank and start it up, putting it in gear, slowly headed toward the dirt berm next to my hole. The amount of fuel would be such that it would just push the dirt into the hole, then stop.
5. I'd jump into my hole, then I'd kill myself. Gun-to-the-head, cut my jugular vein, whatever. I'd collapse in the hole, the tractor would bury me and stop. End of caper. Literally!

Anyway, farfetched, I know, but it's an idea I found oddly amusing. Maybe it's because of how I imagine everyone would be debating the thing afterward. Was it suicide? How could it be suicide when the body was buried?

Of course, that's the annoying thing about killing yourself -- you never get to find out what happens afterward!